All That You Can't Leave Behind

Author’s Note:  Trixie Belden® is the registered trademark of Random House. This story is not for profit. 

This story features lyrics from "Walk On" by U2.  I've including the mp3 in this file, and you can listen to it by clicking on the play button below.

If you can't hear the song playing you need to make sure you have the mp3 plugin from either Quicktime or Windows Media Player.  The song will only play once unless you click the play button again.

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back

"Di, did she say anything to you before she left?"  His tone was imploring.

"I didn't speak to her."  She didn't tell him that she had refused to take her calls and wouldn't come to the door to speak to her.

"Something must have happened that night," Dan groaned.  "You were with her after you and Mart had that fight.  Did something happen?"

"How many times do I have to tell you Dan?!" Di snapped.  "Nothing happened.  I don't know why she went home and I don't care."

Dan almost dropped the phone in surprise.  I guess she's as hurt as I am by Hallie's sudden departure.

"I'm sorry Di," he murmured.  "But she won't take my calls and she hasn't answered the letters I sent her.  Have you heard from her at all?"

"I already told you I haven't," Di replied tersely.  "But if I do, I'll let you know.  Okay?"

"Okay," Dan replied meekly.  "I'm sorry I bothered you."

"Goodnight Dan."

Dan blinked in surprise as Di hung up the phone.  Was she mad at me?  Did she think I drove Hallie away?

Dan wandered back to his dorm room, thinking of what had happened after he had dropped Hallie and Trixie off at Crabapple Farm after the dance.  Hallie had been a bit distant, but he had assumed she was tired.  Di was also very quiet on the way home, but then she had just fought with his best friend and he wasn't surprised that she didn't want to talk about it.

Did Hallie and Di fight?  Is that why Hallie never spoke to her before she left?  Maybe Di said some things about Mart that Hallie didn't like.  The Beldens are really protective of family.

Dan sighed, frustrated that he was still no closer to the truth.  Mrs Belden had told him that Hallie wasn't feeling well when he went to visit her on Saturday, and when he called her on Saturday night she still wasn't well.

I even went to see her on Sunday before I went back to the city!  He remembered in anguish.  And she was asleep.  No one told me she was going home, but somehow she managed to get a plane back to Idaho the next day and she never said goodbye.

Dan rubbed his face tiredly.  The uneasy feeling was eating away at him.  He missed her and it hurt him that she wouldn't speak to him.  But what hurt more was the feeling that he could have done something to prevent it.

"If only I'd told her how I felt," he moaned.  His thoughts trailed back to the conversation Hallie almost heard between him and Nick, and he was suddenly filled with dread.

What if Hallie had spoken to Nick at the dance?  Could Hallie have asked Nick what we'd really been talking about the night of the spring dance?

Dan's stomach tightened with sickening fear.  She found out I lied to her!  That's why she left.

Di sighed and picked up her pen.  Her psychologist had suggested that she keep a journal of her thoughts if she couldn't tell them to anyone.  Di no longer saw the psychologist but she occasionally wrote in the journal and kept it locked away in her desk drawer, away from prying eyes.

The silence screams at me.  I can't speak to anyone, I don't want to hear what anyone's saying.  I can only remember Mart yelling at me and me running away and then Hallie...

Hallie.  I miss her.  I've never had a girl as a best friend before.  Maybe it was a jealousy thing, but somehow girls never wanted to be friends with me, until Honey and Trixie.  But then I wasn't a best friend to them, they had each other.

But Hallie.  She wasn't jealous, she didn't try and compete with me.  We just understood each other.  She's incredibly beautiful.  We were close, we were comfortable with each other but I'd never felt attracted to her until that moment.

What did we do?  Why did it happen?  I love Mart, I still do.  And I know Hallie has feelings for Dan.  Were we just so emotional, so hungry to be loved that we found each other?  What else could it be?  I'm not...  I don't like girls that way.

I couldn't face her the next day.  It's weak of me, but I'm so tired of being strong all the time.  It was a mistake.  She must have known that too.  She was just coming to apologise, to say it wouldn't happen again.  But what if that wasn't what she was going to say?  What if it meant something more to her?

Di closed her eyes for a moment and remembered the two kisses they had shared.  The first was unexpected, but the second kiss was prompted by her and her heart thumped unexpectedly at the memory of the soft, warm kiss.  Di shook her head as if to rid herself of the thought, and stared down at the page.

It shouldn't have happened.  It won't happen again.  I stuff everything up.  I messed up my life with Mart and then I ruined the best friendship I've ever had.  I've got what I deserved, I'm alone again.  It's better this way.  I'll only hurt people who get close to me.

The ink blurred on the paragraph as the tear soaked into the page.  Di wiped her face quickly and closed the book.  She locked it away in her desk and curled up on her bed, willing sleep to come so she could dream of a world where she and Mart were still together and Hallie was still her friend.

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on

"Tell me about her," Rachel invited.

"About whom?"

"The girl you left behind," she murmured.  "The girl whose picture you carry in your wallet, the girl who broke your heart."

"Am I that obvious?" Mart sighed.

"I've seen broken hearts before," Rachel told him.  "Not quite as bad as yours though.  She must have been pretty special."

Mart looked out across the common.  It was a cold night and the grass was already frosty.  They were both rugged up and their breath was visible in the cool air, but neither of them wanted to be inside.

"We'd been together since I was fifteen," he said finally.  "She was beautiful, she was funny, she was talented.  I mean she is.  We had it all planned out.  She was going to come and visit me, I'd go back when I could and then she was going to come to college here next fall."

Rachel said nothing.  She just nodded.

"And then it all fell apart.  Just before I left.  She said she couldn't do it.  She didn't want a long distance relationship and that was it.  Just like that."

"Ouch!" Rachel said softly.

"She wouldn't talk to me, I only saw her twice more before I left.  We argued again and she cried and I... I... could barely stand it.  And she was there when I left, but I couldn't talk to her.  I was so close to just losing it all."

Rachel exhaled and looked out across the common to the fixed point Mart was staring at.  If he had turned and looked at her, he would have seen tears in her eyes.

"I've been barely functioning since I've been here.  Classes, study group, sleeping, repeat.  It all seemed so pointless.  My friends told me she had withdrawn and was not herself.  I couldn't bring myself to call her, in case she told me again that she didn't want me.  I eventually sent her flowers for the opening night of her play and she called me."

Mart smiled at the memory, and Rachel looked at him in interest.

"I went home just before Halloween for my brother's birthday.  We talked, it wasn't quite the same but we were getting somewhere.  Slowly, slowly it almost got to what it was before and then I did something stupid."

"You kissed her."

Mart looked at her in surprise, then nodded slowly.

"She responded for a moment, I know she did.  And then she pulled away and acted like it never happened.  I went along with it for a while, trying to work out if she still had feelings for me, if she was just hiding the way she felt."

Mart sighed and his jaw tightened as he remembered what followed.

"Then we fought, in front of everyone, and I made her cry again.  She ran off and I didn't see her again.  I didn't get a chance to apologise.  I made things worse than they were before."

"It's easy to blame yourself when you're hurting so much."

"She was dressed as Cleopatra that night.  She looked just like Liz Taylor.  I wanted to be her Mark Antony but I guess I was more like her Richard Burton and a relationship destined to fail."

"Some great loves are too passionate to last," Rachel murmured sadly.  "But I guess that doesn't make you feel any better."

"You know, some nights I just wish I'd go to sleep and never wake up again," Mart whispered, staring up at starless night sky.  "I hate waking up in the morning."

"And realising the dream wasn't real," Rachel finished for him.

"You've been there too?"

"More than once, but the last time was the worse," Rachel admitted with a rueful smile.

Mart looked at her curiously and she just shook her head.

"Enough depressing stories," Rachel told him.  "Let's go make some hot chocolate and make fun of the RA."

Mart felt the strangeness of a smile creep into his face and he looked at Rachel gratefully.

"Good, you haven't forgotten how to smile.  I think there's hope for you yet Mart Belden."

Home
I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going

Home
That's where the hurt is

It was the first time he'd been relieved to return to college after a visit to Sleepyside and he didn't like the feeling.  He'd tossed and turned in his bed that night, unable to sleep, unable to erase the feeling and memory of dancing with Trixie and the conversation they had shared:

“It’s great to be back,” Jim sighed.

“You really miss all of this?” Trixie asked.

“Yeah,” Jim acknowledged.  “College is good and the classes are really challenging.  But there’s something missing.  It’s like I’ve got this empty place inside of me, and it only disappears when I’m back home.”

Trixie’s heartbeat quickened and she waited for him to continue.

“I’ve missed you Trix,” Jim almost whispered into her hair.

“I’ve missed you too Jim,” Trixie breathed. 

“Have you decided where you want to go to college yet?” Jim asked.

“Not yet,” Trixie shook her head.  “I have to graduate first.”

“Do you think there’s any chance we’ll end up at the same college together?” Jim pressed her.

“I’d like that,” Trixie admitted, her heart in her mouth.  “But I don’t think the course I want to do is offered at your college.”

“So we’ll probably see even less of each other after you graduate,” Jim pointed out sadly.

“Maybe,” Trixie sighed.

They'd only shared one dance and then the night became a shambles.  Watching her dance with other guys, smiling, confident and so vibrant and then the fight between Mart and Di.  He barely saw her the rest of the weekend, something strange had been going on at Crabapple Farm and Brian had spent most of the weekend at Manor House with Honey.  He only saw Trixie to say goodbye and he knew something had changed, there was that look in her eyes.  It was disappointment.

It was almost more than he could bear.  So he wrote the letter, knowing he could never send it, but knowing he had to explain it to someone.

Dear Trixie,

I'll always be grateful for everything you've given me and all the good things you have brought into my life.  Not a day goes by that I don't wonder where I'd be if your curiosity hadn't gotten the better of you that day and discovered me asleep on the floor of Ten Acres.

You gave me a family, you gave me friends and you gave me a real life.  Because of you, I got to remember what real happiness is and I know how truly lucky I am.

For all that you've made possible, the thing I have valued you most is our friendship.  You have always been my special girl and no number of orchids or bracelets can express just how special you are to me.  I know I haven't been good at telling you how I feel or making you realise just how special you are to me.  I have to live with the knowledge that I've disappointed you, and that hurts me greatly.  I can't fathom how much it has hurt you.

I've let our friendship deteriorate, I didn't see it happening but now I realise what it's become.  I'm so sorry Trix, I'd change it in an instant if only I knew how.  But I could see it in your eyes the last time we were together.  You don't look at me the way you used to, and I can only think it's because you gave up hope in us.  I wish I'd done something to stop it from happening.  I was waiting for the right time, but I let it slip by.

I want you to be happy Trix, I want that more than anything.  It's going to be really hard for me to stand by and let you get on with your life without me, but I've got to stop fooling myself that we're ever going to be together.  You've realised it, it's time I did too.

I hope we can stay friends, I know it won't be the same but I couldn't bear it if I lost you forever.  I'll always wish things could have been different for us.  Maybe one day, in another place, in another time, they will be.

Yours,

Jim.

He choked back the tears again as he re-read it.  Then he folded it carefully and placed it inside the frame that held the picture of all the Bob-Whites together.

He was going to try and let her go.

"Have you spoken to Jim since Thanksgiving?" Honey asked casually.

"Not since he left," Trixie admitted hesitantly.  "He hasn't called."

"You could call him," Honey suggested.

"Why?" Trixie sighed.  "So we could talk about how different our lives are?"

Honey bit her lip and decided to change the subject.

"Have you heard from Hallie?"

"Moms and Dad called her on Thanksgiving, but she sounded really strange," Trixie frowned.  "And you know I could swear I heard a woman's voice in the background."

"Maybe it was Ollie or Gloria?"

"No, I know their voices," Trixie replied.  "It wasn't them."

"Maybe Cap has a girlfriend?"

"You mean an actual woman?" Trixie hooted.  "According to Hallie, the only females Cap ever looks at are the feathered or furry kind."

"Well, maybe he found a furry woman," Honey giggled and the two girls burst into laughter.  Trixie wiped tears away from her eyes as the giggles subsided.

"Oh, that feels good," she sighed.  "It seems like there hasn't been a lot to laugh about lately.  We need something good to look forward to."

"Like the senior prom?"

"Ugh!"  Trixie groaned.  "I've been to one, that's enough for me."

"But that was for Jim and Brian's senior year," Honey protested.  "You've got to go to your own."

"Oh, no I don't!" Trixie retorted.  "I'm not going to spend all night as a wallflower.  I bet Di won't go either.  We'll have a sleepover and a pillow fight or something."

"You're not serious?!" Honey cried in alarm.  "This is our senior prom.  I've been dreaming about this for years.  I want my handsome boyfriend with me and my best friends there and I want to have the night of my life."

"Honey, you watch too many movies," Trixie groaned.  "Unless, of course, what you're really looking forward to is the bit that comes after the prom?"

"I don't know what you mean," Honey stammered, her face flushing bright red.

Trixie looked closely at her and flushed with annoyance.  There was something about her best friend and her brother being together, being intimate that bothered her.  I guess if I was as beautiful as Honey then I might have that too.

"I don't want to be the gooseberry," Trixie declared stubbornly.  "It's okay for you.  I'm just sick of going to stupid dances and seeing stupid couples all over the place."

"Then why don't you ask someone?" Honey asked in a hurt tone.

"Like who?"

"Stop moping around and call Jim," Honey told her sharply.  "Ask him on a real date and find out once and for all."

Trixie glanced at Honey in surprise.  "I already told you, I'm not asking Jim.  I asked him to the last dance and nothing happened.  Nothing's ever going to happen."

"Then asked Nick, ask anyone!"  Honey cried in exasperation.  "It's supposed to be fun.  I want to have fun.  Is that too much to ask?"

Honey jumped up and marched out of the room, leaving a shocked and sheepish Trixie staring guiltily after her.

"I just snapped and yelled at her," Honey wailed.  "I don't know what happened to me."

"Honey, you have the patience of a saint," Brian soothed her.  "I don't know how you've managed to keep quiet for so long.  I know the prom means a lot to you, Trixie knows that as well."

"I just want it to be perfect," Honey sighed.  "It's my senior prom.  I want the pretty dress, I want my boyfriend by my side and I want my friends to be there.  It's bad enough that Di and Mart won't be together, but I thought Jim and Trixie would have got their act together by now."

"Do you want me to talk to Jim?"

"Would it make any difference?" Honey remarked.  "Maybe they're meant to be this way."

"To tell you the truth, I think Jim was kind of relieved to get back here after Thanksgiving," Brian confided.  "He looked kind of uncomfortable at our place."

"You noticed that too?  He didn't take his eyes off Trixie, but he looked kind of sad."

"Did anything happen between them?"

"I don't think so," Honey replied.  "But, as usual, that's the problem."

"Honey girl, I'm glad you provoked me into telling you how I felt," Brian sighed.  "I don't think I could have gone this long without telling you or being with you."

"Me either," Honey giggled then she added soberly.  "Promise me we'll always tell each other how we feel.  I don't want things ever to get to the way they have between Jim and Trixie."

"I promise," Brian told her seriously.  "I love you and I'll always tell you how I feel about you.  And if I ever forget, please remind me."

"I will!  I love you, too."

"Is everything okay Honey?"  Miss Trask asked gently.  "You seem a bit down this evening."

"I lost my temper with Trixie," Honey admitted miserably.  "I can't believe what's happened to the Bob-Whites!  Di and Mart aren't talking to each other, Dan and Jim are miserable and I picked a fight with Trixie over a stupid dance!"

"It gets harder the older you get," Miss Trask told her sympathetically.  "I grew up in a small town with a small group of close friends, and the same thing happened to us."

"What did you do?" Honey cried.

"I learnt to deal with it, then soon it was my turn to leave and you make new friends and move on," Miss Trask sighed.  "But it's hard to leave the memories behind."

"We've been through everything together," Honey wailed.  "We can't let distance and  misunderstandings ruin it for us."

Miss Trask smiled.

"You want everything to be perfect, I know.  Honey, you work so hard to keep your friends together, but people change as they grow older, even you have."

"I don't feel like I have," Honey replied in a small voice.

"You have, just a little and the others have changed too.  Some a little, some a lot more," Miss Trask said gently.  "The Bob-Whites will always be your friends, but it can't stay the same forever."

Honey was silent a moment.

"I wouldn't worry about your squabble with Trixie," she added.  "You two can never stay mad at each other for long."

"Thanks Miss Trask," Honey smiled thoughtfully and watched her leave the room.

We're a family.  We have been since the day we formed the Bob-Whites.  And we're going to stay that way, we have to.

The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

Hallie opened another box, pulling out her mother's coat and burying her face in its scent.  She sunk to the floor, the scent causing memories to come rushing back.  It was her perfume she could smell, her smile she could almost see, her laughter she could almost hear.

The tears continued to run down her face.  They had started the moment she found all her mother's things packed away in the attic.  Box by box, she had opened them and almost reveled in the memory of her mother.

"Oh, Mom.  I miss you so much," she whispered.  "How could he do this?  How could he just pack you away as if you didn't exist?  How could he bring her here?"

Hallie drew her knees to her chest and she rocked herself back and force, willing the pain to disappear and the numbness to return.  She was lonely, more alone than she had ever had been.

"Why did I come back here?  What did I think it would be better?"  She sobbed softly to herself.  "It's like a nightmare.  Everything looks almost the same but everything is different."

"I miss you Mom, and I - I miss him.  I wish you could have met him Mom.  He's so sweet, he was so good to me.  Why did I have to mess it all up?"

The sobs began to shudder through her body as she remembered trying to avoid Dan's eyes on the ride home from the dance.  The last time she saw his face was the puzzled glance he gave her as she left the car, barely murmuring goodbye.

"I did something so stupid.  I don't know why, it just happened.  She needed me and I needed someone too.  And now she hates me, and I just couldn't face Dan.  I - I ran Mom.  I was so weak, I did everything wrong."

She'd refused to take his calls.  She'd heard his voice downstairs asking for her, but she feigned illness.  Just like Di did to her.  She wouldn't take her calls, she wouldn't come to the door when she went to see her to try and explain.

When Dan had left, when she was sure he had gone back to college, she went downstairs.

"I want to go home."

There was surprise in their eyes, but Aunt Helen nodded.

"We understand, Hallie.  When would you like to leave?"

"I've booked a flight.  I leave tomorrow."

And she'd managed to control it, she'd managed to keep it all inside.  Even after the hugs at the airport and when she disappeared through the gates.  It wasn't until the plane had leveled and she'd made it to the privacy of the small bathroom cubicle, that the tears came and she stayed there until the stewardess banged on the door, demanding to know if she was okay.

She hadn't cried again until Thanksgiving, but they were tears of disbelief as she ran blindly from her house and into the surrounding forest.  The tears were gone by the time Cap found her and they sat in silence until past night fall, when they eventually rose and walked back home.  He was not there, thankfully and Hallie had managed to laugh at the irony that she had found something to be thankful for that day.

"I'm sorry Dan," Hallie murmured.  "I'm sorry I ran from you.  I'm sorry I couldn't tell you the truth, but I knew you'd never love me if you knew what I'd done."

Hallie struggled to fight the lump in her throat and the yearning to feel his arms around her, comforting her.

"And I miss you Di.  We were so close, we shared almost everything.  I'm sorry I spoiled it, I'm sorry I took it away."

"Help me be strong Mom.  Help me to get through this.  I've ruined everything.  How can I bear losing you and my two best friends?"

Cap stood silently in the doorway, wanting to embrace his sister and ease her pain but he knew she wouldn't want that.  He slipped away.  Hallie was strong, he knew that.  She'd get through it and he'd help her.  She had her mysteries and he had his.  But they didn't pry, that was their way.

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on

You've got to leave it behind

The End.